The Pain of Progress

I'll never forget this devotion that we had one day on choir tour my freshman year. Our chaplin read from one of C.S. Lewis' books in his Chronicles of Narnia series (not sure which one it was). In the excerpt, a dragon, who used to be a boy, was going through the painful process of shedding his scales and becoming a boy again. I can't say that I remember every detail and I've never actually read the book myself, but that image has stuck with me for quite a while. The dragon was hurt each time a scale came off, but he had to go through the pain in order to become what God had intended him to be.

We spend an awful lot of time in our lives trying to avoid pain. We stretch before we work out so that we don't end up in pain afterwards. We avoid working out so that we won't be in pain afterwards (more along the lines of what I do!) Right now I have a headache and will most likely be taking medicine to avoid this pain all night. Some of us even stay away from members of the opposite sex in order to avoid painful rejection or the possibility of a messy, painful break-up. Sometimes the things we avoid are things that would be good for us to do, yet we know it's going to take work and maybe even give us pain, but how else are we going to change into what God has intended us to be?

This pain can not only be sometime personal, but communal. How often do we avoid things with one another because it may be painful to bring them up? I'm thinking of the church as a vine right now....one that is connected to God. When I say church, I mean the body of believers - all people who believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God and in his death and resurrection as the means to our forgiveness. We are all connected to each other through God. Some of us are good and bear fruit. Some of us do not bear fruit. These are the ones that need to be pruned back so that the rest of the vine can continue to grow in a healthy way. My eldest son was watching Curious George not to long ago and in the episode, George was on a farm and he came across a man cutting branches of a tree. George, being the innocent little monkey that he is, thought the man was hurting the tree. He protested by taking the man's hat and running away with it. Of course, before the episode was over, George learned that the man wasn't hurting the tree but taking care of it. We so often wish that keeping things healthy didn't mean getting hurt or losing part of ourselves and so we can continue to let sinful things keep occurring in order to avoid pain.

I can't say that I'm always the part of the vine that is bearing fruit. Sometimes, I'm the one who is so complacent, that I'm holding the vine back. I think we just need to be ready to feel a little bit of pain, if that is going to be how we choose to act. We even need to be ready to feel a little bit of pain if we are doing and acting as God wants, because in those times, the pain we feel will be a test of our commitment and resolve and will leave us stronger than before. It's sad when we have to lose part of our community because someone isn't bearing fruit, or even worse, is infecting other parts of the vine, but we will be stronger because of it.

I know that there are plenty of times when I've been struggling with something - you know, the kind of struggle that simply happens on the inside - and I've thought, this is going to end up being a big part of my story. (which, by the way, may be my next blog). Sometimes you just know that the thing you're dealing with will be a part of you forever and you know you'll look back on that hard time and be glad that you went through it. Don't be surprised if something difficult comes your way tomorrow. Welcome it. It could very well mean that you're growing.

P.S. If this doesn't make sense, just remember that I have a great headache right now...and it's late.

The fear I live with

Lately I've been wrestling a lot with what to do about vaccines for my children. Through this struggle, I've come to realize something about myself. Honestly, probably something that I've known for a long time....I have a hard time forming my own opinion about things - things that really matter. My personality is that of a people pleaser and that means that if other people have strong opinions, I can't stand to disagree with them, at least not for long. I know exactly what drives this need to agree with others - it's fear. I fear what other people will think of me. I fear someone being mad at me or not liking me. Really. If I think someone is upset with me about something, it tears me up so much that it comes out physically. Sometimes it's merely that my hands start shaking - like last week when I had a customer come to the place I work and get upset with me about something I had no control over and no answer for. I was shaking for about an hour (at least) after that little situation. Sometimes this fear comes out as an upset stomach. I feel like throwing up because I'm so anxious about what this person thinks about me. This is usually only the case when it is someone that I care about deeply and we're having a rather large disagreement.

Sometimes I like to pride myself on being easy to get along with. Here's the truth. I'm not always truly easy to get a long with. There are times when I just act like it to avoid conflict....or to avoid having to take responsibility for my own decisions/opinions. I grew up with three very strong personalities - my dad and my two sisters. Dad and my sisters all have very strong opinions about things - about everything. I could get into the differences between type A and Type B personalities and the strengths and weaknesses of both, but that's not what I want to talk about really. I just want to talk about the strength of my Dad and my sisters. I see the way they each live so passionately. They make up their mind about something and they stick to it. Not only that, but they believe in what they're doing, with all that they are. It shows in how my Dad approaches things at church or how he handles money. Or in my older sister in how she raises her children - to be respectful, well behaved and most importantly to know that Jesus loves them and has a plan for how they should live their lives. My younger sister expresses this strength in her unwillingness to settle for something that is less than she knows she deserves. I look at these great people in my life and wish that I could be like that.

There are certainly some issues that I do have a strong opinion on, but there are more issues that I seem to flounder back and forth in making my decision. For instance: discipline. I don't know if I really think spanking #1 works. It kills me to spank him (which actually hasn't happened in quite a while. Thankfully!). But there are people that I know use spanking and it works. I don't think it's evil. I don't think that parents who spank their children are mean. I do believe that most parents I know that spank, do so out of love and a desire to teach their children the difference between right and wrong. I also know that time-outs are not always effective with my #1. Just as spanking my son is painful, so is giving him a time-out....at least for me. It seems like so much more work and sometimes I wonder if it's really teaching him anything. It took us a long time to figure out which route we were going to take with our boys when it comes to discipline. And even though we've reached an agreement and a plan, it's still hard to follow through! I constantly second-guess myself and sometimes give in to not sticking to it. When will I finally decide something and stick to it?

I feel as though I'm getting off-track. I often end up writing these blogs in stream of consciousness! Anyway, back to the vaccination dilemma. So, I can't decide what to do because there are people that I'm afraid will think that I'm crazy and a negligent parent if I don't get the vaccine. And there are people that I'm afraid will think that I'm a negligent parent if I do get the vaccine. Why can't I just make this decision with my husband, without worrying about what other people say? Why won't God just send me a sign saying either - "You're child is going to get swine flu and die if you don't get the vaccine" or "Your child will have complications the rest of his life if you get the vaccine." ? That's what I want to know! But alas. I don't think it's going to happen that way. So, I'll probably just pick one way and try my hardest not to stress out about what other people are going to think of me. Maybe I'll be able to cling to what God says about who I am, instead of living out of fear of what others say about who I am. I know that God's version is going to be correct anyway. That will be my prayer. Lord, give me confidence that comes from who I am in You. You gave me these children. You created them inside me. You allowed me to take care of them so far and I believe You will continue to do so. I pray that I would be more concerned with what You think than what the world thinks about me. Lord help me....please. I need it!

P.S. If you have been involved in helping me try to make this decision, I appreciate all of the information that I've been given. It really is good for me to hear other people's opinions and what they have found to be true. I've really appreciated the response I've gotten so far! Even though I have a hard time making decisions, I still want to hear other people's opinions! Thanks! (this is a bit redundant...I know)

Some perspective

I spent part of the night tonight watching Extreme Makeover, Home Edition....and therefore I spent part of the night tonight crying. I think I'm going to just accept the fact that I will be like this for the rest of my life. Touching stories, people in need, people helping people in need, it all makes me get choked up.

Today, we attended church in Greenville, IL. It was refreshing to attend a service and just be able to show up. It's been five years for us in full-time ministry and I can probably count on my hands the amount of Sundays we've been able to go to church without either one of us having responsibilities. Now, we really enjoy what we have chosen to dedicate our lives to. We love ministry and truly believe that it is what God wants us to do, but it's also nice to partake in worship from a different perspective once in a while. After the service was over, we chatted a bit and then headed home - a four hour car ride with both of the boys. This is not our idea of a good time (I mean the car ride with the children), but it's the only way to get from A to B! Fortunately, they were both really tired and slept for part of the trip. The other part I spent in the back seat, shielding sun out of their eyes, holding the laptop so #1 could watch a movie, feeding #2 a bottle, etc. I was so glad to finally make it home!

When we walked in the door, there was the house, just as we had left it. No magic cleaning fairy had visited our home while we were gone. And of course, the boys didn't want to just sit quietly while Mommy unpacked, did laundry, made dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. In the midst of #1 asking me to sit with him at the table while I was trying to do laundry, I was reminded of the sermon we heard this morning.

Today, we were called to learn or remember how to pray. The pastor talked about using the instruments at our disposal - our eyes, our hands, our voices and our time and energy to pray. That last thing - time and energy - really rang in my ears today. It's as if when he said that God just asked me, "Bekki, what have you been worrying about lately? what has been getting your time and energy, because it's not me." Yikes. He was totally right (can you expect any different from the One who created us?). My mind would do better dwelling on things other than worrying about a clean house or making sure my children are quiet and well behaved. If you know my children you may wonder if that is something that I really spend time thinking about and trying to achieve since #1 is always making noise of some sort and rarely sits still! (He is a really good kid though. He's just very energetic!) There are plenty of things that distract us from what should truly be our focus. I'm going to strive to spend more of my time and energy in prayer and meaningful duties. Sometimes this will happen while I'm cleaning, but tonight, it was in time spent with my oldest son, making him laugh, giving him hugs and kisses, singing, wrestling and just having fun, that I started to regain my perspective. Hopefully tomorrow will be another step in the right direction.

It's a rainy, yucky day outside and the boys are asleep. What peace there is in the house! As I siet here and actually type up a new post, the only things I can think to write about are the same old issues. My kids are mostly on my mind lately. I've come to realize just how much encouragement I need when it comes to being a mom. I second guess myself all the time and almost constantly wonder if there are things I'm doing wrong. I'm sure it's inevitable that I'm messing up in some way...afterall, I'm not yet perfect!

This past weekend, we went to visit my in-laws. It had been quite a while since the boys had seen Ga Ga and even longer since seeing Erick's Dad. Though it was short, it was a good trip. I really enjoy visiting with Erick's family. Things are always easy going and Ga Ga is always happy to take the boys so Erick and I can sneak away for a little time together. But there's something else too, about visiting with them. I always leave feeling like I'm doing well with my children. I don't know how many times Erick's mom, grandma and even sometimes his step-dad tell us that we're great parents. They point out the times that I'm consistent and usually offer some kind of praise and I thrive off of that! Now, if only I could record them telling me that I'm a good mom so that I could play it back to myself the next day, when we're back at home and my eldest is throwing a fit again and I feel like giving in to what he wants. Or he has again hit his brother and I really don't want to put him in a time out or give him a spanking.

I think as moms, we need to be told more often what it is that we're doing right. Now, there are certainly times that I would like advice from other moms, but really what helps me is when another mom tells me that she thinks I'm doing well. This isn't a plea for anyone who is a mom and reading this to comment and tell me that i'm doing a good job (though I will never turn down those compliments!). I'm just simply making an observation that I've noticed recently. I mean, wouldn't it help you if someone noticed something you were doing well with your children and told you about it? Pointed it out and let you know how wonderful it was? Uh, yeah...I think so! So, for all you moms out there, wondering if you're raising your kids well, take heart. We're all wondering the same thing....even the moms that freely give out advice whether you ask for it or not (you all know the kind of moms I mean) and seem as though they think they have all the answers. There are even times for them when they're not sure if they just did the right thing.

As for other things I've been thinking about....hmmm...there's just not enough time to write more and take a nap while the boys are still sleeping. Nap wins!

My morning

Okay, so last night wasn't the best night of my life. Praise God for new mornings. The day has started of pretty well. I was able to send my husband off to work in a pleasant mood, instead of secretly wishing he would stay home so that I could sleep and resenting the fact that I had to once again stay home by myself with two young children. I am actually happy to be with the boys today. Maybe that sounds bad to say that sometimes I'm not all that happy, but it's really hard work to be a mom. It drains you like nothing else I've ever experienced. I'm usually and pretty happy, positive person, but motherhood challenges that spirit within me every day!

Actually, I should probably get back to my boys. Jack is playing in the bathroom, which is probably not good, and Adam is sleeping in his crib....such a sweet heart!

Just an update on the food battle.....Yesterday I ate too many of the butterscotch bars I made, so I felt like throwing up last night. This morning, so far so good. Just a bowl of cereal and some OJ for breakfast. Hoping to keep myself in check today!

Beginning Something New

So, I started to think today about blogging. I enjoy facebook, but really don't want to write a new note every day. I would like to be able to just talk about what goes on during my day, what I'm struggling with, what I'm happy with, etc. So, here it is. My goal is to be very honest and just provide a place for other moms and women in general to find support for the daily things we all struggle with. Hope this helps you! I'm sure it will help me!