The fear I live with

Lately I've been wrestling a lot with what to do about vaccines for my children. Through this struggle, I've come to realize something about myself. Honestly, probably something that I've known for a long time....I have a hard time forming my own opinion about things - things that really matter. My personality is that of a people pleaser and that means that if other people have strong opinions, I can't stand to disagree with them, at least not for long. I know exactly what drives this need to agree with others - it's fear. I fear what other people will think of me. I fear someone being mad at me or not liking me. Really. If I think someone is upset with me about something, it tears me up so much that it comes out physically. Sometimes it's merely that my hands start shaking - like last week when I had a customer come to the place I work and get upset with me about something I had no control over and no answer for. I was shaking for about an hour (at least) after that little situation. Sometimes this fear comes out as an upset stomach. I feel like throwing up because I'm so anxious about what this person thinks about me. This is usually only the case when it is someone that I care about deeply and we're having a rather large disagreement.

Sometimes I like to pride myself on being easy to get along with. Here's the truth. I'm not always truly easy to get a long with. There are times when I just act like it to avoid conflict....or to avoid having to take responsibility for my own decisions/opinions. I grew up with three very strong personalities - my dad and my two sisters. Dad and my sisters all have very strong opinions about things - about everything. I could get into the differences between type A and Type B personalities and the strengths and weaknesses of both, but that's not what I want to talk about really. I just want to talk about the strength of my Dad and my sisters. I see the way they each live so passionately. They make up their mind about something and they stick to it. Not only that, but they believe in what they're doing, with all that they are. It shows in how my Dad approaches things at church or how he handles money. Or in my older sister in how she raises her children - to be respectful, well behaved and most importantly to know that Jesus loves them and has a plan for how they should live their lives. My younger sister expresses this strength in her unwillingness to settle for something that is less than she knows she deserves. I look at these great people in my life and wish that I could be like that.

There are certainly some issues that I do have a strong opinion on, but there are more issues that I seem to flounder back and forth in making my decision. For instance: discipline. I don't know if I really think spanking #1 works. It kills me to spank him (which actually hasn't happened in quite a while. Thankfully!). But there are people that I know use spanking and it works. I don't think it's evil. I don't think that parents who spank their children are mean. I do believe that most parents I know that spank, do so out of love and a desire to teach their children the difference between right and wrong. I also know that time-outs are not always effective with my #1. Just as spanking my son is painful, so is giving him a time-out....at least for me. It seems like so much more work and sometimes I wonder if it's really teaching him anything. It took us a long time to figure out which route we were going to take with our boys when it comes to discipline. And even though we've reached an agreement and a plan, it's still hard to follow through! I constantly second-guess myself and sometimes give in to not sticking to it. When will I finally decide something and stick to it?

I feel as though I'm getting off-track. I often end up writing these blogs in stream of consciousness! Anyway, back to the vaccination dilemma. So, I can't decide what to do because there are people that I'm afraid will think that I'm crazy and a negligent parent if I don't get the vaccine. And there are people that I'm afraid will think that I'm a negligent parent if I do get the vaccine. Why can't I just make this decision with my husband, without worrying about what other people say? Why won't God just send me a sign saying either - "You're child is going to get swine flu and die if you don't get the vaccine" or "Your child will have complications the rest of his life if you get the vaccine." ? That's what I want to know! But alas. I don't think it's going to happen that way. So, I'll probably just pick one way and try my hardest not to stress out about what other people are going to think of me. Maybe I'll be able to cling to what God says about who I am, instead of living out of fear of what others say about who I am. I know that God's version is going to be correct anyway. That will be my prayer. Lord, give me confidence that comes from who I am in You. You gave me these children. You created them inside me. You allowed me to take care of them so far and I believe You will continue to do so. I pray that I would be more concerned with what You think than what the world thinks about me. Lord help me....please. I need it!

P.S. If you have been involved in helping me try to make this decision, I appreciate all of the information that I've been given. It really is good for me to hear other people's opinions and what they have found to be true. I've really appreciated the response I've gotten so far! Even though I have a hard time making decisions, I still want to hear other people's opinions! Thanks! (this is a bit redundant...I know)